The Fear of Being Alone: What It’s Really Costing You

In this episode, we take a deep look at the fear of being alone—the fear that quietly shapes our choices, our relationships, and the way we show up for ourselves. I break down how this fear often leads to people-pleasing, overextending, and pouring into others while neglecting our own needs. And while it may feel like we’re helping, the truth is that no one wins when we abandon ourselves.

We talk about why boundaries are essential, how honoring your own journey doesn’t make you selfish, and why not everyone is meant to walk with you into your next season. Sometimes the path requires solitude, not as a punishment but as an invitation to grow, evolve, and reconnect with who you are becoming.

If you’ve ever struggled with the fear of being alone or found yourself placing everyone else’s needs above your own, this episode offers insight, truth, and the reminder that being alone can be the very space that restores you, strengthens you, and prepares you for what’s next.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:02

Thank you for choosing to listen to this episode of TK Conversations and being intentional about the choice you make. Today, just like any other day, we're gonna take that journey through life together. You'll hear my journey as I share with you the things that I experience in life that I am currently going through or have just gone through or something far in the past, but you'll also hear those things from me based on just different scenarios, experiences that I've had with different clients. There will never be any names given, but I will definitely share some of the stories because whatever stories are shared are definitely impactful to all of us. Even if it can't help us at that moment, it can help us in the future, or it's something that we may be able to share with a friend or a loved one that can help them at the moment that they're at in their lives. So today I have chose to touch base back on fear, fear and doubt. That was something that I spoke of at the beginning of season two. I believe it was episode two, if anybody's looking for it. And I just kind of explained a couple of different things, discussed a couple of scenarios. This time I want to go a little bit deeper, and I'm pretty sure that this won't be the end of our Fear and Doubt podcast. I can tell you that. So thinking about fear, I want to point this out first and foremost. Fear is the story that we are telling ourselves to create that feeling. Let me say it again. The reality of it is that fear does not exist, it's not real. What makes it real is because we tell ourselves that story and internally we believe what we're telling ourselves. We're 100% convinced of the fear that we have created within the story that we have told ourselves. So if we don't create the fear, the fear doesn't exist. Now, it is easy for us to be fearful because of what we've experienced through life and our perspectives on what we have experienced in life. People would say, Life has taught me to be fearful. That's a perspective. There's things that have happened in life, yes, could make people afraid. I get that. I get it 100%, but I want to make sure that everyone clearly understands that fear is the story that you are telling yourselves. And to add on a little bit more, fear is the story that you are telling yourself internally, which then also stops you from doing whatever it is that you need to do to continue moving or to move forward in your life. I know that was a mouthful, and I want to make sure each and every one of you think about that. Really think about that. If we were to think about a couple of different fears that we would have, and I want you guys, let me sidebar here. I want all of you to give me a little bit of grace today. I have been wheezing since about seven o'clock this morning, but I was determined to not miss recording this episode. So you may hear me pause for a little bit, you may hear me breathing a lot harder, but it's just so I could continue to have my breath and catch my breath. Okay, so let's think about a couple of fears that are out there. We have the fear of rejection, we have the fear of failure, we have the fear of success, we have what the fear of change, and let's say we have the fear of being alone, okay. So rejection, failure, success, change, and being alone. Let's start with those five. And hopefully we have enough time that we could kind of tap into each one of those. If not, don't worry, we'll always come back to it. That's a that's a pretty simple one. Simple in a sense of when you hear the words a person has a fear of being alone, you could automatically think, well, a person doesn't want to do anything that would force those that are close to them, family or friends, that would push them away. So if you have a fear of being alone, and in that thought process that you're telling yourself is if I do XYZ, that would cause my friends and loved ones to no longer want to no longer want to be a part of my life. Okay, now we're gonna take that uh uh another step deeper. So if you don't do XYZ, so that your friends and loved ones will continue to be around you, spend time with you, be in your corner, be your support, them being that for you, let's say that's great. That that's perfect, but you not doing XYZ is robbing yourself. So now you're not being there for yourself, now you're not being supportive of yourself, now you can't depend on yourself, you're robbing yourself, so it in a sense turns you into a people pleaser because you're more concerned about making sure you don't do X, Y, Z so that they don't walk away from you and are no longer a part of your life. So if we think about this, you want to weigh that out because in reality, with no emotions or feelings, no nothing involved, the true reality is you have to live with you until the day you die. No matter who comes and goes, no matter what family member or friend, it's still always gonna be you, whether they're with you or not. And just because a family member or a very close friend holds a title does not make them entitled. So when you're in a situation and there is something pressing on you that you really want to do for yourself, that you really need to do for yourself, you really need to make sure you do it. Because remember, we are all on our own separate journeys. So those family and friends and loved ones that you don't want to leave your corner, remember they're all on their own journey, and that doesn't mean that they are gonna be able to come along for your journey. You may have to create a whole new circle, which goes into the fear of change. You're gonna notice how all of these start to intertwine together, and I don't want to move too quickly through any of them. So actually, I may wind up staying on um the fear of being alone on this episode. Depends on how long it takes for me to get through it. Okay, so let's continue. Let's see if we can determine, come up with an example, let's say, of something that you want to do, but you're afraid that these individuals will no longer be a part of your life if you do it. Let's say that you're the strong one in the family. Everybody turns to you when something goes wrong. Whether they need money, whether they need a shoulder to cry on, whether they need um wisdom, whether they need advice to lead and guide them in the right direction. Whatever it may be amongst those, let's see. Let's say that it's always you that they turn to. So you found yourself being that individual. That's one of the hats that you wear. Okay, you being the strong one and the one that is all of that for all of those individuals. I am a hundred percent sure that there are a lot of moments in time that you need that same type of support, you need some advice, you need a shoulder to lean on, a shoulder to cry on. But since you're all of that for all of them, you're never given the opportunity. So it's so easy to forget about yourself because you're so focused on everyone else. But in the midst of all of this, you realize, and if you haven't, I'll share. You realize that that's that has created an identity to you. And that is, let's say it's a crown you wear, it's a hat you wear, it's a title you wear, it's a version of you that you wear, that you are, so you can be all of that to them. Now, let's say that you are having a very rough day, and you just cannot be anyone's support because you are down and out, and you are the one that needs support, but you get that phone call or that knock at the door from one of them individuals that needs you. Let's say it's a knock at the door. Let's make it real personal, let's get you uncomfortable. Let's say it's a knock at the door. They call you first and tell you that they're on their way. They don't give you the time and you didn't chime in to say, oh no, today's not a good day. People pleasing portion, just so you know, you don't have the time to say that, nor did you cut them off to say it. So now they're at the door, and you open the door. And when you open the door, you look like something is going on. Let's say your eyes are a little red or a little teary-eyed for those that cry, or let's say you look flushed in the face, whatever it may be that shows that you're going through something, or something is on your mind. And you open the door, and that's how you look. And they immediately start talking, and you don't cut them off, you step back, let them on in the house. You guys go to the living room, and they've been talking and talking and talking. You sit down, they sit down, and they're going and going. And let's continue to paint this picture. So now you're sitting and they're sitting, and you're face to face, and all you can do is think about that that's going on in your mind because you are really struggling and you are going through it, but you got that other portion of you that's really trying to tune in and focus on what it is that they're saying, and you're trying to do the very best you can. Now, let's think about it. With everyone listening, I'm sure everyone has an opinion about what should or should not be done. But if we continue on the basis of not wanting to be alone, and we know that majority of the time, people that don't have a fear of being alone are also people pleasers. And I don't have the percentages right now, you're more than welcome to look it up, but yes, it tends to be that way. So, what you do is you suck up what you're going through, and then you dive head in, open heart, in on them to help them with what's going on with their lives, whatever that situation in, you're all in, you're fighting the battle with them, you're being the support, you're being whatever it is that they need you to be in order to help them through whatever is going on with them. Now, let me throw a wrench in this when you open the door and you were looking like something was wrong, because you play this role and you have this title, and you also have the fear of being alone, the individual that walked through the door never took a moment to even look or even acknowledge what you have going on. The thought never crossed their mind of what you have going on, and since you didn't say anything, which would be boundaries, whole nother topic, whole nother topic. There's a lot of moving parts here, and we will discuss them, we'll go in deep because these podcasts are truly to get you thinking, to take deep dives wherever you're at in your lives to move you forward. I don't care if you work a regular nine to five, and I don't care if you're a professional athlete, because there is something that's going on in each and every one of our lives that we are not moving because of one of the fears. So now that we know, cousin, auntie, whoever it was that came through the door, never acknowledged how you looked or what was going on. You never pointed it out because you don't have boundaries, because you also have the fear of being alone, you're not gonna say anything. So you allow this person to go through their whole story, you allow them, you give them everything that they need, you give them all you got, and you don't have much because you let's be clear, you have nothing. Because when you're down low, you're down bad, and you're struggling, as you were. Remember that. When you're down that bad, your cup is empty, and you need to replenish, you need to fill that cup because no one should ever get a part of you until your cup is running over. They should only receive your overflow, they should never receive what's in your cup because that cup is to sustain you, that cup is to make you who you are. So remember that they should only be receiving overflow. So when you went to the door and opened it up, you didn't have nothing to give them from the very beginning. But you let them in and you gave what you could. Let's say you gave what it was that you needed to give yourself in order to start building yourself back up, in order to start filling your own cup back up. Okay, back to our story. So, family member, whoever it is, they go through their whole scenario, break it all down, you walk them through it, you help them through it, you do everything that you need to do where they feel great now. And they're like, Okay, perfect. You helped me through this. Thank you. I know I called, I know I barged in, I just needed the help, and I knew you were the only person, no matter what. You would stop everything and you would make sure that you're there for me. I appreciate it. I love you now. I'm about to go because I'm about to go shopping, I'm about to go out to eat, I'm about to meet my friend, I'm about to beat our family member. We're about to go kick it, have fun. And you say, Okay, love you. Glad I was able to help you, or if you're a man, whatever you say, all right, bro, got you. You know, I'm here for you always holler at you later. They walk on to the door, you walk on to the door, open it up, they turn back and smile, be like, Holl at you, and they go on, hop in their car and they take off through that whole process. You never said that you were in need, they never even acknowledged you were in need. And how could they if you didn't say anything? How could they if you didn't set a boundary? How would they even know? Most of the time, the people that are the strongest in families and friendships that everybody turn to, they normally hold everything in. They hold back because they don't feel comfortable sharing with the other individuals because they know that they're that person's support system. And what we have to learn to do is don't be afraid to open your mouth to say what you need and don't expect for the next person to know. So when that person called and when they showed up at the door and came on in, we can't expect for them to know. Now I know people will say, well, if you see a person on look right, I would expect that they would say something. Let me say this to you: expectations only hurt the person expecting it. We set ourselves up for pain and failure and hurt when we have expectations of others. Because that other individual is on their own journey trying to navigate through their own lives. And then for us to have an expectation of them, I expect for them to see that I was not having a good day, and then they should have said something to me, and now my feelings are hurt. Well, I'm sorry to say, but you hurt your own feelings because you're expecting something from them that they cannot give you. Maybe they did see the facial expression that you were having, but that don't mean to them that that looks like you're in pain or that you're hurting or that you have a lot on your mind. And that's why we don't need to have expectations of others. Please keep that in mind. Now, if you choose to, by all means, because as humans, we do, it's natural. If you choose to, the best way to do that is communicate those expectations to that individual by communicating that you're gonna you're creating boundaries. Think about that. So if the expectation is when you call me, if you don't let me get a word in and you pop up at my door and I open this door, you have to remember I've set boundaries. So I'm going to be able to tell you now is not a good time. This doesn't work for me, but with that, we have to be prepared for the outcome. Now remember, outcome doesn't mean it's anything bad because you put yourself first. You need help, you need support. So you put yourself first, and that's what you should have done. Because honestly, when you sat there face to face with the person that needed you, you truly didn't give them the best of you because the best of you didn't even exist at that moment because you were in need. So you just pacified the situation and said, probably something that's on autopilot that you know works with them, and you just repeat that all the time anyway, and you just said it a little bit more in your emotions because you were already going through what you were going through, and then you just said it to them, and it worked, it was good enough. That always works for them, and they were back on their feet. So that was a lot said about the fear of being alone. Being alone is not a bad thing, it's not a negative thing. Honestly, we do need there's times we do need to be alone, we need to be alone with ourselves so we can sit with ourselves, so we can determine and feel what's going on with ourselves to make ourselves a better individual, to become a better version of ourselves, to spend that time with ourselves learning and growing and evolving, that's what we need. So please try to remove the fear of being alone. And remember, if as you evolve and grow in life, if those individuals are no longer there with you, they're not supposed to be. That's why they're falling off. And it does hurt and it does get lonely, but it's because they're not supposed to be there. Remember, two different journeys. You guys are all on different journeys, and not everybody can go on your journey with you, they can't come along, and you can't go along on everybody else's journey. So, what I leave you with today to make you a better person, and it is definitely something that you will have to work on, and that would be to start creating boundaries, and then telling those loved ones, those family and friends that you're close with, what your boundaries are so they know to not cross the boundaries. That way, you start to create exactly what you need in order to continue to move forward with your life, to continue to do what I mentioned earlier, whatever XYZ is, so that you don't lose those loved ones. But if you do, you haven't lost them. They just may not be there with you every single day. If you talk to them every day now and they can't come along for the journey, you may only talk to them once a week. You may only talk to them twice a month, and that's okay because it doesn't change them from being who they are to you, it doesn't change their title. Just remember that it does not change the title. So, again, I want you to start creating boundaries. I want you to think about what is the one fear that you have that stops you from moving forward and taking any type of action, whatever that fear is, that's what I want you to create the boundaries around. Okay, be strong. You got this. I'm here if you need me. You can tune into any episode, my contact information, you guys can find it. I'm here, I got you. Until next time, enjoy your day, do that homework assignment, and I will talk to you soon. Thank you for joining TK Conversations.