The Importance of Communication in a Relationship

In this episode, we dive deep into the struggles of communication within relationships. We explore why open, honest dialogue is the foundation of trust and connection, how misunderstandings can create distance, and the role emotional intelligence plays in fostering stronger bonds. Whether it's romantic, familial, or platonic, clear communication isn't just about talking — it's about listening, understanding, and creating space for vulnerability without judgement. Tune in to discover practical tools and mindset shifts that can help you build and sustain meaningful relationships through better communication.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:30

Hey everyone, thank you for joining us today for another episode of TK Conversations. And as you can see, we do have Roosevelt back for another interesting conversation. So today's topic is gonna be about communication. And I know if you think about it, everybody thinks, okay, yeah, I struggle in that area here and there every once in a while. But do you do you really struggle in that area? And that's what he and I are gonna get into. We're basically talking about why is communication so important in a relationship? It could be a romantic relationship, it could be the relationship you have with your siblings, your parents, your children, just relationships in general is what the topic is. So you ready to talk about it? Let's do it. All right, let's talk about it. So I'm gonna throw that question at you. Why do you think re communication, I'm sorry, is one of the most important things within a relationship?

SPEAKER_02 1:34

Um, I think communication is a very important piece of the puzzles because when you're having a conversation, uh, well, put it this. You take two people that are from different places, right? So communication can become a love love language, you know, so everybody knows exactly what direction, how a person's supposed to feel, what direction we're going in, uh, things of that nature. But, you know, sometimes um a relationship with lack of communication can become straight. I feel like communication is a piece of a puzzle. You know, uh, you're in the know on what how the other person should be feeling and thinking.

SPEAKER_00 2:06

Okay. So as you're talking about communication, you're looking at it with a broad spectrum, or are you looking at it romantically, or where are you starting? Because that's where I'm starting.

SPEAKER_02 2:19

No, let's go with the romantic part.

SPEAKER_00 2:21

Romantic part.

SPEAKER_02 2:22

Yeah, let's go with that one.

SPEAKER_00 2:23

Okay, so in order for communication to work, you're saying you have to converse with each other so you know exactly where that person's head is in. Correct. Okay. So with that, then we're saying that other person, being myself, being the spouse, I would need to be transparent and open and honest.

unknown 2:45

True.

SPEAKER_00 2:46

Yeah. Okay. So would you say that's what always happens? Not just between us, but I'm just saying in general, which people.

SPEAKER_02 2:55

I would say no. Sometimes people are not transparent, they're not open and honest because you run into the, now we're gonna get a little bit deeper in something else, but you run into the thing of uh a person not wanting to hurt the hurt the other's feelings. Or that's when your honesty kind of goes out the window. Um, then you have individuals that are just misleading someone because they don't want to deal with what the root cause of the essence of the problem. So there's many different reasons why a person would choose not to go in that direction and why some people will lack in that area uh of communication.

SPEAKER_00 3:30

Okay. And if you were to think about it, what would you say is the struggle with communication within relationships?

SPEAKER_02 3:41

I just think people need to have the conversation, you know, at least converse with each other, have talking get to the root cause, you know. Just because someone is speaking don't mean that um you're getting to the root cause because if everybody's upset and emotional, yelling, yeah, we're you we're communicating, but nobody's listening. Everybody's shutting down. So I feel like people should be able to at least have that conversation in a relationship. That should be the most important thing.

SPEAKER_00 4:08

So okay. And what when you say conversation, I want to make sure I speak to the same thing. I know where you're going. Okay. So what are we talking about? Because what you said was key. You can talk all day long. But if you're not talking about what needs to be talked about, then you're not getting anywhere. You know that saying how they can say two people can sleep in the same bed for 30 years and they're still not close. Right. They still don't know each other. So it's that thing when it comes to conversing as well. We can be talking, but if we are not talking about what truly needs to be talked about, then where are we going?

SPEAKER_02 4:50

You're trying to say is comprehension. Other spouse or the other individual, are they comprehending what you're speaking of? Are they understanding what direction you're really going in? Because sometimes I know even for myself, I could be uh having a conversation, but I'm really not making sure you understand. Uh some people just having a conversation and they're not being complete, completely honest and clear about what direction that they're trying to go in. And then you find other people that are very upset because they say, Well, we were talking, but at the same time, the understanding piece of the puzzle was a very important piece of the puzzle.

unknown 5:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:28

So, okay, that makes sense. I agree. So when you're communicating, or let's say when we're communicating with each other, do you feel there's separate components within that conversation? Because you said understanding. Is that the only one you think of? We need to talk, and the other person needs to understand. Was that kind of yeah?

SPEAKER_02 5:50

You think there's more pieces to it?

SPEAKER_00 5:52

I do. I do, because I I agree with you. Definitely need to communicate with each other. I definitely believe that there needs to be some understanding on both parts, and I put an asterisk with that, because if you can't understand, then there's something else you need to do. So I'll say communicating, listening without waiting to rebuttal. Because if you're listening, but you just heard something that triggered you, then you're no longer listening because you're waiting to fire back off. You're trying to get your point across. So there went the listening part. So I would say communicate, listen, understand. And the part that comes into play when you don't understand is basically what do you do next? Is that where you say, okay, I know this person loves me enough. I know this person doesn't mean me any harm. So I know they're not trying to hurt me, but I just don't understand where he's coming from.

SPEAKER_02 6:54

Right. So what you child says, ask questions. If you don't understand, you need to ask questions. And that's when the conversation is gonna get heated. Because I don't got time to be answering all these questions.

SPEAKER_00 7:06

Have to answer. So I would need to ask fact-finding questions to be able to understand where you're coming from. And then if you feel a little moody, because it's like, why is she asking me all these questions? I said exactly what it is, but she's still asking me questions.

SPEAKER_01 7:24

Right.

SPEAKER_00 7:24

So when I think about that, the way I look at it is that you're taking two different people, two different backgrounds with two perspectives on life, because they're taking whatever has been built up in them, what's been created, what they've been taught to do and not do, how to move and not move. And when you come into that relationship, you're bringing those two differences together. So what makes sense to you may not make sense to me. Therefore, I'm not able to understand it. So I guess at that point you would say agree to disagree, or what would you?

SPEAKER_02 8:01

No, agree to disagree. Yeah, that's what I was gonna think of. Well, you know, when it comes down to communication, it's got a lot to do with your background, where you come from, how you were raised. Because some people can have a conversation with you, and you know, you've been around those people who have a conversation with you, they give you all the details, they give you everything. You like, whoo, they're giving me too much. You know, that's how some people are. Some people came with you, but they're a little standoffish, they're a little quiet, they're not giving you everything. In a relationship with someone and you love them, uh, marriage, or thinking about getting married, um, that communication piece is gonna be very important because there's so many things that's gonna be thrown at you throughout life that you're gonna need your partner to be on the same page. Just like basketball players and football players. You know, when you're when you're on defense, coach always says, hey, talk to each other. You must communicate. If one is getting ready to get screened, you need to know that you either go under or over. You know, whatever coach uh tells you to do. Um me at this you go under, but one of the ways you need to move, um, you at least need to know that somebody gets ready to screen you off. And you know, one thing about uh sports teams, you can tell who's communicating and who's not. So when you actually decide to get into a relationship, get a partner in life, the communication part is very important.

SPEAKER_00 9:22

So, how do people communicate? How should they communicate? Because just with those scenarios I've thrown in there, that would make for a very rocky relationship. Because if one person is expressing how they feel, but that other person cannot understand it, to me, I would say that's where the problem comes in. And it's not a thing that the spouse or the girlfriend or boyfriend does not want to understand it, it's just that they don't see it that way.

SPEAKER_01 9:58

Right.

SPEAKER_00 9:58

So, where do you go when you're at a point that you just don't see it that way? Oh, and I got another one I'm gonna throw at you too. Okay, so communicate.

SPEAKER_02 10:12

Look, we're communicating right now, and look at us, and I didn't got him to say So yeah, so you know, um, yeah, if you run into something like that, um, give me your question one more time.

SPEAKER_00 10:23

So, it now you put me on the spot now because I'm thinking about the other one. See, right there, listening.

SPEAKER_02 10:30

I gotta listen. That was on me.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

So then that was on me because then I couldn't even repeat what I said. Look, we all messed up. We're talking about communication there. We ain't even communicating during the podcast. What are we doing?

SPEAKER_02 10:42

I got thrown off my phone. Okay. So I think my question was You know, one thing that's the moment that um just like when a person is like um getting into an argument or you uh having a conversation about finances or anything that'll trigger you, right? You have so many other things that's going through your mind. You're not listening. You said that. And two, the other person's not understanding a thing that you're talking about. And I think in a relationship, that's the moment that it's best for you to step away and come back and have that conversation. Once your mind slowed down and everything that you want to just rattle off, it's not like you're you know trying to shoot fire at someone. You just need you need to step away, let's breathe for a minute, let's get our thoughts back together and then come back.

SPEAKER_00 11:31

Come back. Okay. So then I'll ask. I'll don't laugh. I I didn't have a lot going through my mind at this time, but now since you paused, I do have a lot of different things I want to ask. Okay. But I gotta think of how to ask them the right way for the viewers to be like, okay, I know where she's coming from. So I'm even communicating with you guys too. So I want to make sure I'm clear. So in a relationship, when two people are conversing, it's not a heated conversation or anything like that. They're just talking to each other about something that is important to the relationship. So keep in mind you have one individual, you have another individual, they come together, and then you have the component of the relationship. So there has to be rules and guidelines and boundaries when it comes to the relationship, and then you have these two individuals. So once you come together, you're having this conversation, and in that conversation, someone gets triggered. Now, whole another ballgame right there, because at this point, this person is triggered, and once they're triggered, they're on defense mode. So, where does that go? Because now that I'm triggered and I'm on defense mode, I'm really not listening to you, although I'm trying, but I'm still waiting to get out what I need to get out. So, just within that scenario, where do you go? What do you do? What do you think?

SPEAKER_02 13:09

Well, once you get triggered, it's time for you to step away from the conversation. Because after that, everything else is on the point. It's not going anywhere. But once you get a chance to come back, you want to be able to really open it up, get some understanding. And I think that's what people slip up at. There's no, let me get some understanding. Let me understand exactly where you're going. Because you could be saying one thing, but I'm perceiving it differently. So in life, we have to make sure that we're not emotionally charged, that we're not able to just understand exactly what the person is trying to say. Because the person might not be saying anything hurt you. They might just be saying it in a way of, hey, I'm just trying to just give you the information on what's going on. And that's it, but you don't like guys being delivered. No, uh, read the room. Try to understand that the information that you're delivering might not be perceived the way that you think it is.

SPEAKER_00 14:05

And I would say, I don't know the studies. I'm sure there's some studies done about it, but I would say over 50% of the time it's being perceived different than the person it's been over. Because of the backgrounds, because of the way we think and view and see life. So when we're communicating, I think we do need to work hard to make sure that person is clear on what you're really saying or what I'm really saying. So what do you think about? I'm gonna go back to the trigger, because I like how you said step away. But if we're conversing the whole time and you're you get triggered, at some point we gotta address the triggering portion. So do you think it's possible when a person gets triggered that they pause the conversation? Don't get up and walk away, but say, time out. What you just said triggered me. This is the part that bothered me, and then work through that. Yeah, I think that's hard to do.

SPEAKER_02 15:15

But yeah, I can see that. I can. So actually, so you know, you being a life coach, what would you what would you recommend? If if someone was being triggered by that individual when they're communicating, what would be your advice? What direction would you go in?

SPEAKER_00 15:34

Uh, I would say in in life coaching, we don't give advice. So I'ma just say the scenario, if it was you and I. Um, but in life coaching, we get a person to dig and then we we give advice on the standpoint of once they've discovered what it is that they need to do, then we make sure they have the appropriate tools to do that. So I'm gonna kind of break that down in this scenario. So if say we're conversing, you say something that triggers me, then I would say, okay, hold on, hold on. And I know even when we be talking now, I'd be like, hold on, hold on, hold on, wait, you gotta let me say something too. And I'll say, okay, that right there, when you said that, that triggered me. And then if I tell you this is what you said, and that's when I felt triggered, that gives you the opportunity to then explain to me what you meant because it triggered me. And if you probably didn't mean what you said, but I can then tell you this is what I thought you were saying, this is what I heard you to be saying to me. If you confirm yes, that's exactly what I'm saying, then okay, I'm triggered. At that point, it don't have nothing to do with you. So let me be clear, everybody. At that point that I am triggered, and he says, yes, that is what I was saying, the trigger has nothing to do with him. What it is is underlying issues within me. So at that point, yes, we should pause the conversation. But if it's one that needs to go on, we could go on, but once I'm through with the conversation or once it's over, and I go retreat or go do what I'm doing, I need to take a moment for myself and figure out why I was triggered. That question of being triggered is deeply rooted within the individual that is triggered, and that person that said something, they were just having a conversation. So you have to become self-aware and really dig deep to figure out why that triggered you, and that would be something that you would have to work on.

unknown 17:46

Gotcha.

SPEAKER_00 17:47

Okay, and the reality of somebody actually doing that within a conversation.

SPEAKER_02 17:53

Far from the feel.

SPEAKER_00 17:54

So it would take emotional intelligence with that too. Because as I'm conversing with you and I've been around you long enough, we're looking at over 21 years, I know certain things that would bother you and not bother you. So as I'm talking to you, I'm gonna be very intentional and mindful of what I'm saying. Not in a sense of, like you said earlier, because that was perfect when you said it to avoid hurting that person's feelings. Not that portion, but I'm gonna be intentional so I don't cause you to get angry. So I understand that what I'm saying can be a little uncomfortable, but I'm also clear in my intentions of what I'm saying. So I'm gonna make it as clear as I possibly can. And if I see a little bit of rattling going on, then I may say, hey, what's going on? I see a shift. What did I say? What bothered you, that type of thing. But that's me having the tools inside of me and knowing what to do to navigate those conversations and not everybody watching us has those tools or that information. So they wouldn't be able to do that. But I would say, what are your thoughts? If we flip it and that's what happens, and we're in that situation, how would you want it handled? Or would you just stick with? You just need to get up and table it.

SPEAKER_02 19:26

Yeah, I mean, I would I would at that time you have to get up and table it because just speaking in general, uh, the reason why is because at that moment, once your mind gets to wandering and your emotions get to flowing, well, me saying that, yeah, my need to get up and walk away. Right. Get up and walk away for a second. Because at that moment, it's uh it's uh, you know, it's a uh let me get mine out and let me say what I gotta say, and then you gotta get say what you gotta say, and okay, it was over. At the same time, nobody understood nothing going on. It just everybody got triggered and everybody upset. Good point. Yeah, very good point.

SPEAKER_00 20:01

So nothing's resolved.

SPEAKER_02 20:03

Not at all.

SPEAKER_00 20:05

And when we're communicating, what's the goal? I guess that's one thing. If you're communicating with your partner, what is the goal of that conversation? Why are you bringing that conversation to the other individual? What are you hoping to get out of it? So what's the expectation?

SPEAKER_02 20:25

And nine times out of ten, it's the understanding. To try to get some understanding. So then that goes back to what I was saying earlier about it's according to where a person's raised, right? Uh brought up, uh, their upbringing. Because if you're the type of person that all you do is shout and all you do is get upset and complain, understand that the other person is not listening at all. They only gonna do is go into defense mode and pretty much be like, all right, whatever, and just say, okay, whatever. But your message never did get across. And no one never understood exactly where you were going with it. So there is a way that, yeah, you have to be able to have that conversation. And you have to understand if you were raised that way, if you were brought up in that type of environment, you gotta, you gotta reprogram yourself to actually have a, like you said, a more mature conversation and not yell and you know, shout and stuff because no one's catching up. No one's listening. True, you're you are communicating, but you're not, but you're not getting anywhere because at the end of the day, everything you said pretty much is what by the wayside.

SPEAKER_00 21:35

Okay. So as we flow through this, there's two types of conversations. We have the conversation where we agree with each other, and then we have the conversation where we may not be agreeing with each other. So when we agree with each other, it's safe to say everybody understands where each other is coming from.

unknown 21:59

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

And I'ma say that don't mean that everybody understands where each other is coming from. There was just a mutual ground there that we were in the middle, and it's like, yep, we got it. You have your perspective, I have mine, but they come together enough that we're good. Okay. So then in the conversation where we're not agreeing, those conversations tend to turn into your right and I'm right. Yes. So then the conversation starts to move towards the wrong end.

SPEAKER_02 22:37

Correct. Because it moves toward the direction of I'm just trying to win, I'm just trying to win the conversation. I'm competing at that moment. I'm just trying to get my point across to make sure that I'm right. So, yeah, start going in the direction of who's right and who's wrong.

SPEAKER_00 22:54

And why do you think it has to be a right and wrong in it? That's a good question for me. Because I've wondered that a lot, even in my coaching sessions, when I'm talking to clients, I'll easily say, okay, but why are we right and wrong in it? Why are we doing that? Because there's two different experiences that have happened. We're having a conversation. Why does it have to be a right or wrong?

SPEAKER_02 23:25

Because in because in life, um, as humans, we're competitive. And we're always trying to, you know, be the be the one that's on the on the correct side, the right side. So, yeah, in the conversation, you will find people arguing about what's right and what's wrong. And the funny part about it is that two things can be right. And two things can be true. But you will have someone that will argue with you over and over again on the same exact thing, and you're like, okay, you're just trying to win the conversation. You're not, you're not getting any, um, we're not getting anywhere with this conversation because you just keep going around the same thing over and over again.

SPEAKER_00 24:08

So that leaves us where that's the moment you have agree to disagree.

SPEAKER_02 24:15

Like, hey, man, I'm out, I'm done.

SPEAKER_00 24:16

Again, okay, and I'm glad you brought that up because this would be another thing that I thought about. And I thought about this some days ago. Because I was like, man, communication is just hard. No matter who you're trying to have it with, whether it's at work, it's a spouse, it's a family member, because you're trying to convey your point from your perception, and you're wanting that individual to understand it exactly the way you're delivering it when their life experiences have been completely different. So their perception on it is not yours. So we put an expectation there that I think sets us up for failure. That's the thing. So when I was thinking the other day, I was like, we can agree to disagree, but what happens when you can't even agree to disagree because you don't even know why you're disagreeing, because your views are just two different perspectives, just so opposite of each other that you can't even find a disagree point.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

Right.

SPEAKER_00 25:42

How do you move forward?

SPEAKER_02 25:45

That's challenging. That right there is a challenge. Most people just sweep it under rug and act like it never happened. Like, hey, that conversation don't need to come up no more. We done with it. I'm gonna sweep it under rug and move on. But only thing that does is just create more problems down the road.

SPEAKER_00 26:01

Communicating. I hate to say it's an art, but communicating takes work, it takes patience on both parties, it takes grace on both parties, and it takes doing it every single day with the hope and expectation that you can move forward or you can resolve whatever it is. And that doesn't even mean that there's an issue, you're just always trying to make sure you have a common ground when you're conversing with your partner. We can agree that this is what it is, we can agree we could do it two different ways. We can try to, because what we're doing is we're bringing just different experiences to a conversation and we're building on top of it. So we're learning from each other and we're hopefully moving forward. Sometimes there's stagnation, like you said, when we're not a Korean, but we never want to move backwards if we can avoid doing that.

unknown 27:10

Correct.

SPEAKER_00 27:10

Correct.

SPEAKER_02 27:11

And that's where it comes when you say like move backwards. That's when you have to really pay attention in the way you speak to your loved one, right? If you're cussing them out, you're calling them out their name. Um, I'm gonna be honest with you, that's not gonna empower them to be in a positive uh mindset. That's not gonna get them to feel um happy to be around you. The way you delivered your message means a lot. So, in a relationship, you know, if you were raised and cursing is the only only thing you know, uh, you might want to go back and rethink it because that other person is not gonna like it too much. Um they're gonna act like they can deal with it, but they're not gonna like it too much. Because everybody wants to at least feel like they you're getting the respect from you, that you're just not gonna just curse them out or belittle them, make them feel like they're just dumb or whatever it may be. Um really have to understand that when it really comes down to it, you need to be able to be an adult and deliver the uh message the correctly.

SPEAKER_01 28:17

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 28:19

I like that. So what are your thoughts? And feel free to chime in because I don't have a list of questions. I'm just thinking through communication, thinking about areas that I struggle in, thinking about areas that our girls may struggle in. I'm just bringing everything together.

SPEAKER_02 28:42

It's a challenge because it's such a broad topic. So when you get into it, it can go in many different directions. But the way we started it off was pretty much on a romantic, you know, in a whoever's in a relationship, marriage, or thinking about getting married, things like that. They just have to understand that you have to be transparent, open, and honest. And at the same time, make sure your partner knows what direction you're going in.

SPEAKER_00 29:05

How do you be, because earlier you did say you don't want to hurt the person's feelings. So you wouldn't want to hurt my feelings. So if no one was around and someone just brought a piece of paper up to you and said, okay, Roosevelt, write down how often you're not completely transparent with TK in the conversation. Exactly. And you're not because you don't want to hurt her feelings. If they say do a percentage.

SPEAKER_02 29:40

Well, since me and you have how type of relationship we have is not that many. It's not that much. Uh, I say somewhere about, I don't know, happen over the time. Oh, about 15, 15%. You know, we know we're gonna lowball a little bit, you know.

SPEAKER_01 29:57

But yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_00 30:00

This is not trying to hurt my feelings. So everybody knows what this looks like.

SPEAKER_02 30:04

I can go up to 16, you know what I'm saying? I get it, you know, but um, yeah, it's possible. It happens, you know. But at the same time, you have to understand that when you're not trying to hurt somebody's feelings, you have to make sure that what's going on, um, why you have to ask yourself that question. Why are you not trying to hurt their feelings or why are you not trying to just tell the truth? Because some people could deal with the truth. I'm the type of person that, hey, it is what it is. Tell me that just tell me the truth and let's call it a day. You know, because I can respect it more just by being open and honest with me and saying, hey, this is what it is. Then I have to go and hunt and figure it out or try to figure out the different emotions and how people are moving. Because at the end of the day, if you're gonna sit there and lie to me, I don't need to be with you.

SPEAKER_00 30:49

So if the person is swaying how they have the conversation because they don't want to hurt you, is that really a lie, though? Okay. So you said 15, 16% of the time, I'm just gonna make sure I everybody hear that. So 15, 16% of the time you're lying to me because you don't want to hurt my feelings, or you want to retract that, you know, so start off.

SPEAKER_02 31:18

Listen, what do you want? No, I'm just saying, listen, it's somewhere about 10, I think. I don't know. It's not working out right.

SPEAKER_00 31:27

Okay, okay. So that and and that's how I was thinking too. So there's a percentage there that you don't want to hurt the person's feelings. But if you're going into the conversation with love with the expectation of knowing that you're going to deliver it a certain way because it's based on the type of person that you are and how you deliver it, they're going to perceive it a certain way. Maybe hurting them shouldn't be in the equation. I have a backup with that, but I have to. That's true.

unknown 32:03

Okay, true.

SPEAKER_00 32:04

Because where you don't get anywhere, you still didn't say what needed to be said.

SPEAKER_01 32:09

Right, right, right.

unknown 32:09

That's true. That's true.

SPEAKER_00 32:11

So that brings me to my next thing. How do you have the conversation, the hard conversation where you know that it's going to hurt that other individual? But it takes that to get you guys to where you need to be.

SPEAKER_02 32:30

I think you gotta you gotta have the uh the challenging conversation. You gotta have it, and you gotta have it. It's not, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. So you can always have a uh a challenging conversation with someone, and it's the way you present it. As long as you present it the right, you should be, you should be okay. Other person may still be upset, but at least you still presented it correctly, and you didn't just come off on waiting and waiting and kept sweeping it under the rug until all of a sudden you just blew up, and then you want to deliver the message. That right there is just not a recipe for the disaster.

SPEAKER_00 33:08

So you deliver it, you know that the other person still and still may be hurt, they may get a little emotional, but you two still have the conversation because it needs to be had.

SPEAKER_02 33:20

Yeah, because if that's the way you're gonna be able to make it to the next level and uh strengthen your relationship, it's a conversation that needs to be had no matter what.

SPEAKER_00 33:30

So those are those conversations that you risk losing the relationship because it's very important to have the conversation. And that relationship determines can you withstand the test of time. If you can make it over that hump. But I think when people are in relationships, if they can do that, it moves the needle so far, it grows. Both of them are able to grow and evolve because it's not easy for the person delivering it, nor is it easy for the person receiving it.

SPEAKER_01 34:04

Right.

SPEAKER_00 34:05

And everyone feels a certain kind of way about it. But if both parties are open and listen, and I'm gonna say this word because this just take my mind, and are not being judgmental because we judge a lot within relationships and conversations, we judge the whole entire time, and we're judging because they're not who we are, but it's only one of us, so how can they be who I am? We can experience the same things in life, but we perceive them differently just because my way, the way I grew up, is different than yours. Let's take an example with me. I'll use this as an example, and this is a real life example. I have a thing with people yelling at me and raising their voice. As my girls would say, I say to them, Did you just elevate your voice? I have always had a thing with that since I was a little girl. So if you raise your voice in me, it doesn't trigger me. When I was younger, it used to, but it doesn't trigger me, but it puts me on alert. So I'm paying attention. I'm trying to make sure I understand completely what is being said. But that would be a way, had I not dealt with issues that I had growing up, with people raising their voices and yelling, that would be a trigger. And that is an example now that you guys can see where that's something that I have to work on within, because let's say you, you just talk loud. So are you raising your voice, Evan? No, you see what I'm saying? So I raising a bar. Yeah. So see, that's where the communication comes in. So at that time, I would be like, okay, pause. It seems like you're elevating your voice. Are you getting angry? Where are we at? And then you'll be like, oh no, that's not what I was doing. Right. Okay. So how do you feel about the judgment just within the relationship? Because with that judgment, when you go to the conversation, let's be real, you brought it to the conversation.

SPEAKER_02 36:23

Judgment is some people say they don't judge. And it's, it happens. Some people they don't, but in life, you have to sometimes judge. Because you have to understand that that person might not be right for you. That person might not be the correct person for you to be around. Me accepting you into my life may not be a great idea. So I might need to make that judgment call on this is after listening to this person, after seeing what I have seen, okay, this is not right for me. Let me go ahead and move on, right? Because the way I'm going about it is that I judge what's right for me. Right? Other people that it's not in my life and not my world, hey, do what you want to do, enjoy your life. That's your business. I'm not gonna judge you on that. That's your life, you go do it. But something that's gonna pretty much affect me, I'm gonna judge it to make sure to be like, okay, is this right for me to be around? Is this the is this the right uh direction that I need to, you know, go in in my life? So yeah, that I'm gonna be honest with you. A lot of people go say, oh man, you should not be judging nobody. But at the end of the day, you need to judge the person's gonna pretty much be in your circle or in your corner, mostly in your corner. You know, circle's wide. You know, everybody wanna get in the circle. Everybody wanna be in there. You have a lot of people in the circle, but when you say, hey, this person's in my corner, the corner's not that big. So the question is pretty much of who you are letting in the corner. Once you let them in your corner, you want to make sure that you have already judged these people to be like, okay, this is the right person to have in my corner. Um, that's just my opinion.

SPEAKER_00 38:07

Okay. Nothing wrong with it. The coach in me came out when I heard you say that. So, okay, so I'ma tell me if I'm understanding this. You guys, time out, please forgive me. Sounds like to me when you say judge, you're not judging the person, you're judging the actions to determine if that fits into your body. That's correct. Got it. Okay. So if the actions that they show do not fit with you, then you say, okay, I right.

unknown 38:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 38:38

Perfect. Okay. That makes sense. Giving someone access to you on a daily basis, or um, or on a yeah, on a daily basis in a relationship, you can make sure that person is right for you. So that judgment will have to come out because you gotta figure out that person, the right person, had this, we having this conversation with. And if you sitting there and you're like, well, I don't feel it, and you have to really kind of listen to the conversation and say, okay, this person flows with me. Uh I can understand where they're going, I can understand their goals, their aspirations. Okay, great. But if you start noticing that this person's ideas and the direction they want to go in in life don't suit you, then that means that, yeah, there's a judgment that needs to be made that, hey, we're cool as friends, but I can't go no further with it.

SPEAKER_00 39:29

So, what else you have on communication? That's it. I don't know if that's just too weak. Let me think about communication. Let me think, okay, this is what we're gonna do. Take like 10 seconds and think about someone you know. I'ma do the same thing. Don't say any names, but where you think a communication issue is within that. It could be a relationship, friendship. Okay. The 10 seconds where they're supposed to start, they didn't start. I don't know. Um because there are struggles with communication, and there's so many struggles that we we touch the surface, but when you're in it, you're in it. Because that's like when you're at work, you communicate a certain way. When you get home, you communicate a certain way. When you're dealing with your kids, you communicate a certain way. So there's so many variations and facets that are involved with communicating. But if communication is the most important thing within a relationship, we need to be able to define why that is so important within a relationship. And I mean we could easily say, okay, without communication, the relationship is not going withstand. But that would mean the relationship is based on something other than communication. We can always do another episode. There you go. If I do. So what we're walking away with today, we pointed it out at the beginning. So communication is key. But with communication needs to be understanding. With communication, it comes knowing how to agree to disagree. With communication comes knowing that if you cannot agree to disagree because you just don't know where you guys are disagreeing at because you're on two ends of the spectrum. If the relationship is worth holding on to, then you definitely want to continue to communicate with each other, but be aware that that is a possibility. But also know that when you're communicating, if you keep it in mind that that individual means you no harm, by no means am I saying, if you know they mean you harm, then you know that they do. So don't give them that waiver. You know that about the individual and how your relationship is. But if you know that within the relationship, that person really doesn't mean you any harm when you cannot understand where they're coming from, or you just do not agree, even if you understand and it's just flat out, I do not agree with that. Know that still they don't mean you any harm, and you just say, okay, we still love each other. This is what it is, and that's where we have to leave it. Right. And then pick it up later because a lot of times we just need to experience more in life. We need to just live a little longer because as we continue to grow and evolve, we learn more, meaning we experience more, and we'll get to a point as long as we keep evolving and working on ourselves that we'll understand that and then we'll see that it'll make sense to us, maybe the way it made sense to the other person. Because if you think about it, what we learned at 15 or what we experienced at 15, if we experience it now at our age, we see that completely different. True, true, and that's just the way life is. So as we evolve and grow, so does our communication skills. So does everything around us because we see it differently, but we have to put in the work. So I guess the other thing is work. Communication takes work, it never ends. You are never a pro because every single person that you talk to can perceive it completely different.

unknown 43:34

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 43:35

Hey. And what's what takeaways you got for us before we wrap this up?

SPEAKER_02 43:41

In life, when you when you when you're in a relationship, you need to one make sure that you can communicate with that person because you cannot achieve the goals that you guys may have in your relationship if there's not the proper communication. So be able to be, like you said, open and honest, lead with some lead with grace, and at the same time, just make sure that you are actually giving that person the benefit of the doubt when they're having a conversation that they're not trying to hurt your feelings. But it might be a thing of the understanding, it's just not there.

SPEAKER_00 44:14

Okay. Oh, that made me think of escape. If I know how to sing, I would. And they'd be like, What I need from you is understanding. Come on, crew, come on. How can we commune up? If I dang, I remember that part. All right, all right, all right. Who's jamming? Is that jamming? Okay, see, crew said I was jamming. All right. So then that actually wraps up this podcast on communication. Please feel free to leave comments, notes, reach out to me if you want us to sit down and do it again. If you have something else that you would like for us to discuss, me on my own, or if you want Roosevelt back, he's more than welcome to come back and we'll discuss it. Thank you again for tuning in to TK's Conversation, and we will be back soon.